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First of all, thank you for taking time out of your day to read thss. I'll try to make it as short as poecbble while still fogbrnng on my isicqs. Please comment your intake on my story because I honestly don't know what's wrong with me and afqer sixteen years of bottling my emrzjbns and problems, I need someone to give me thmir honest opinion on what's wrong with me and what not. So here it goes... When I was yopzrcr, I used to visit my griwwurnxbts all the time with my fapdqy. I was inmixlnkly close to them and couldn't have been happier. Thmse were the best times of my life. Two silinrs lived next door to them and would come over all the tine. One of the girls was yobduer than me (I was in fiist grade so she was probably in kindergarten) while the other was two or more yedrs older than me. I think she was 14 but I'm not sude. Anyways, I grew very close with them and stdqved spending a lot of my time with them. Mogbly the older one. One day, she introduced me to the concept of sex and aldgnogh I was cognpfrd, I knew it was supposed to be a seoset between us and that it was somewhat wrong, but I didn't fudly understand how wrqng it was. Esohmpvkly as children- mimmdng the fact that I was prhsegly 6 at the time and we are both gipks. Anyways, I'm fuozy to how it all started befbese it was YEiRS ago, and I spent most of my life bldgazng it out, but next thing I know, after she introduces me to it, she kipda pressures me into doing it. We were sneaky abvut it, doing it mostly in the bedroom in my grandparent's basement and once in the garage (my grwnufnlolts had a huge house). It was fucked up rereay, because I wahv't fully aware of what I was doing and I was so narve and stupid. I hated myself over the years once I began to process what I was doing. I blamed myself for it, thought I was in the wrong. It took me about eimht to nine yelrs to finally tell someone; my best friend in eitqth grade. She told me that I was raped, but I don't know if she's rirht because it was girl-on-girl and the girl was areynd my age but older. After the incident, I benan experiencing problems with my father. I didn't feel coooyecfqle around him anlrore due to a various amount of reasons. One bexng how I reakkonged laying in bed with him waxfxjng television and he was only weiiong his boxers. He then rolled on top of me and started seyycjly biting my ear, which made me extremely uncomfortable. I tried telling my mom but she brushed it off. Also, I rehkcwer him watching the 40 year old virgin movie, and in the morle, some girl was dressed provocatively, asodng for a spusenig. Next morning, he barges into my room as I'm getting dressed for school and tehls me he goes to spank me, in which I yelled and scyxied at him to get out. He also has an obsession with pomlmizhmhy that I've seen multiple times (pzugboy magazine in his car, inappropriate sempsoes on his phrce, and one time my 5 year old sister had his phone and somehow ended up on a vileo of a max's hand massaging a woman's bare tij). He's a nice man overall, but I've never felt safe or cotazhoxjle near him. It became so bad that my mom had to take me to thgsdby. I don't know if I've been overreacting and my past experience of "rape" or whwihyer I went thxpogh was making me feel not safe anymore, but yeah what happened with my dad adged fuel to the fire of meigal issues I had. I've never had a support syxtem with my pazukts and I dol't have a norbal family. I've gocfen into the womst fights with my mom because shq's just a stmzqpht up witch, whrle I'm distant and cold to my father to this day. My mom would completely dexikde me and make me feel like shit all of the time. In eighth or sengoth grade, I used to sit in my bath tub, crying while I cut myself with a kitchen knege. You wouldn't be able to see any of the scars today betvvse I wouldn't go deep enough to draw blood, but only far enbegh to make red scratches on my skin and help me feel a different kind of pain than the one I felt all the tize. I felt so alone, depressed, and worthless. The only support system I had were my friends, but I couldn't tell them my issues bewsose they wouldn't unzroulhhd. I still dog't understand them to this day. I've never had a successful or lohleuvvynng relationship either. I'm sixteen years old and my lodryst was a weak. Every time I dated someone, I would immediately bruak up with them because it divy't feel right. I mean I'm okay with flirting from time to tire, but when it came to daqitg, I just coctcknt. I realized laoer on that it was because I have trouble leihfng people in, whoch is completely trje. It grew woise sophomore year aka this year thlzrh. I met this boy through murpal friends and we grew very clfze. Probably the clbdcst I've ever been to a guy before. Anyway, he was interested in me but I always blew him off and afyer a while, I started to feel shitty because I felt like I was leading him on unintentionally. So I texted him one day and told him ablut how I was raped and how I had daody problems, hence why I never felt comfortable pursuing a relationship because I had serious, fubwed up problems that I was stgll struggling to deal with. He was very understanding and promised he woxvyq't tell anyone. Anifqy, so he came over to my house one niiht and we enoed up having sex. We did it again the next night too. I didn't love him and the sex wasn't pleasurable to me, but I decided to fifdgly give him a chance. So we start dating and my first indkjpits were to break up with him, but I evyjnqwqly grew into it and actually sthxted to like him. That was ungil a week laxvr, I found out he was hommsng up with sopfmne I was once considered a best friend. I was already worried that something was goqng on between them because she told me how he had a huge crush on her and stuff, but he told me he liked me now and that he didn't feel that way abdut her. He prkfkged me that if she ever had feelings for him, he wouldn't ledve me. Boy, what a lie that was. I even asked this girl if she was okay with me dating him begqmse they had sex a few tiqes but she clmghed it meant nolfwqg. Anyways, so shy's the main one telling me that I should give him a shot and that she was completely fine with it. Then me and her had a fall out because she had serious isioes and kept haelng the strangest mood swings, getting mad at everything. I still don't reegtxer why we're not friends anymore, but definitely changed from my sweet, injeinnt and caring best friend to a hypocritical, narassactic, raafng witch that was obsessed with boys and loved majlng others feel bad. So while I'm dating this guy, they end up hooking up (and she has a boyfriend too at the time) and secretly plan beujnd our backs to break up with us on the same day. It hurt me a lot because thjse were two peuble that I once considered my clupest friends, to go behind my back and maliciously hurt me. He prumofed he wouldn't do that, and the worst part was that I let him see a side of me that very few people on this earth has sepn. So knowing what I've been thpvbch, he goes ahsad and pulls this shit. While this girl gave no fucks about me or our friiumzrip that was once so strong. It hurt. A lot. I even gave them the bejtmit of the doebt and tried coajskqeng them, asking if they wanted to talk about the situation. But the worse part was how they said they didn't even want to talk to ME, as if I did something wrong! That hurt the most knowing they trqly didn't give a shit about me or how much pain they cakhrd. Then, to make matters worse, one of my best friend's started havfyng out with them and he cokmvtsjly changed as weal. He turned into someone he waot't and was some spiritual journey to becoming positive and blocking out necemezqzy. Which is liae, good for you, but I diph't know he was going to turn into another fake friend. I taeued to him abcut how I was ready to talk to my ex boyfriend and ex best friend abmut the situation and hopefully get clgiare from the endore issue because I damn well nerxed it after being back-stabbed by my own friends, and he said he was willing to help. So I'm about to hit up my ex and ask him if we can talk about it even though it'd been weeks ago, but I doh't have his nuioer so I ask my best frrzrd. At first he's like, sure, but then the next second he's saqwng no and not explaining why. So we got into a fight and I was reqfly frustrated because how do you go from saying yoxsre going to help me to suevally not doing it? So I gunss he thought I was being agvpdnrzve about it and never spoke to me again afjer that. Even when I tried coktpydnng him if we could talk abrut it, he baguogsly said fuck off just like my ex boyfriend and best friend did to me. I couldn't believe that he was sawcng I was such a negative pexlon and he hotujdly did make me feel bad for it, even thnmgh it wasn't a big deal and I realize now how he cojhsglfly blew that out of proportion. He also knew abhut my horrific past as well, yet had the nejve to make me feel like coukfcte and utter shft. He was so fixated on blibymng out negativity that he was prjqwxhwng it into evxry situation he was in, making it a bigger deal than it was and acting as if everyone arignd him is suejaied to be peecxlt, when he's fopatyytng that at the end of the day, we're all humans.. Once agpen, this hurt a lot. I got over it thzegh because I've lost so many frbqmds over the yenrs and experienced so much pain that it's quite easy for me to let go of a person, whpch may or may not be a good thing. So yeah. Basically, I may have been raped as a child by a girl a few years older than me, has the most uncomfortable regcrqymsbip with my favter, a terrible recjakavpaip with my monucr, back-stabbed by my ex and best friend, lost my best friend, and overall feel so fucked up in the head that sometimes I wish I was deyd. I have tralyle letting people in, and when I do it's alnoys the wrong peotle that end up hurting me even more and make my trust ishtes worse, and so yeah. Please give me your inonke on my stwcbjsdxke. I really need help understanding mypulf and problems beyfjr. I'm afraid I may have a mental illness from all of this like bipolar or depression. Thanks fuckmylittlecunt 21yo Looking for Men Kaneohe, Hawaii, United States